Guilt of a Working Parent

As I sit at my kitchen table this morning typing and waiting for my coffee to finish brewing so I can start off my day, a wave a guilt and sadness wash over me.  It is seven A.M. and I have been up since six, showering and getting the day started. 

So why this sadness now as I sit here at my kitchen table? 

Maybe it’s the absence of chaos this morning. By seven I should hear those sleepy footsteps padding from their bedroom to snuggle in my lap. Those snuggles quickly breaking way to four year old superheroes running full speed through the house.

But this morning, like ever Monday through Wednesday this past year, those foot steps don’t come. I don’t hear the good morning momma. I don’t get to snuggle my face into my sweet babies necks and tell them I love them as I squeeze them tight. Instead the house sits silent except for the sound of coffee dripping slowly from the pot and the cat meowing to be let out.

When did this become normal?

Since the start of the pandemic, it has been a juggling act with the kids and school.  Like most parents, we have had to make ends meet with the child care that we could find.  Living in a small town, that you did not grow up in as a child, has proven difficult for making friends or even acquaintances that can help out with things like child care. Apparently babysitting is a lost art. Who knew?

While it has been frustrating to not have the kids home during the better part of the week, we have been blessed with my mother’s help this year.  She has sacrificed so much time to help care for our kids three days a week, nearly every week, since the start of the pandemic.  She has always been my rock and she yet again has saved the day.  But it still makes me sad to think that the kids are an hour away from me and I won’t see them until this evening after work. But this has become our new normal.

So still why the sadness?

I feel that this year has stolen so much time.  Time that should have been spent watching my kids grow. Time spent growing with them as a momma. I look at the boys and Liliana some days and wonder when they got so tall or so wise. I must have missed it somewhere.  

Then I wonder to myself did this pandemic steal that time from me, or would it have been lost regardless. I work at a full time career and love my job, but it is not unusual for me to come home and immediately after working all day check emails and begin replying.  Worse yet, to check my phone email to discover something that needs to be addressed, in my mind immediately, so I lug out my laptop and set to work. 

Soon it is time to get dinner on the table and bath time over.  Can’t forget to check homework. Before I know it, it is 8:30 and time for the kids to go to bed.  Did I even hear how their day went?  Did I even ask? Did I really talk to them at all, other than a quick bedtime story because the long ones take too much time and I still have to shower and say hello to my husband who I am pretty sure I have not even looked at since I got home because I have been consumed in everything else. 

In another year, would I have spent the time stolen from me wisely with the ones I love? 

Likely not, if truth be told.  Not the way my mother spent time with us when we were kids.  Granted she was a stay at home mom, but busy nonetheless. But she always made time for memories and there was never a day she didn’t ask about how school had gone or how my day was.  She would spend hours teaching me how to do things.  She would patiently allow me to make the biscuits for dinner or take me with her as she went to Linda’s Ceramic shop to clean ceramics and paint. She would read to us. Play Barbies with me and in the summer we would spend every Thursday completely disconnected and at the lake.

Have I taught my kids to do anything but work? While there is nothing wrong with a good work ethic, I want my kids to also be able to remember me the way I remember my momma.  As someone who had time for me, was invested in me, knew and still knows everything about me. 

You are not alone.

There have been countless times when a female co-worker has darkened my office door with sentiments of the same mom guilt that I feel.  The fear to leave work at a time perceived to be too early.  The fear of being perceived as the weak link in the office because you are the one responding when the school calls because your child is sick and needs to be picked up.  My personal fear this past year has been the fear of being perceived as lazy and unsupportive of the business. This has been brought on by tweaks to schedules to allow work from home just one day a week in order to care for the kids and have them home for at least four of the seven days of the week. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know all parents, moms and dads alike have felt this guilt. It is a tough row to hoe. What is that point of diminishing returns when providing for your family is more important than caring for your family? Aren’t they the same?

I also understand that sometimes just providing enough to survive takes all of your time and energy and there is nothing left to give. Parenting is such a fine balance and no-one is right or wrong in how they do it so long as you care and love your children and protect them from harm. But I can’t help but feeling that I need to do more. If not for them, then for myself. I need to be more present with my family. Not just my kids, but my husband as well.

Where do I go from here?

I don’t want to look back on my thirties and say look at what I accomplished if I had to sacrifice knowing my children. So I will start with baby steps. And it will start today.

I will be more aware of the time I spend looking at my phone and checking my email or social media. When my kids want to play, we will play. When they want to read the long story at bedtime I will read to them until they fall asleep and then I will watch their sweet faces as they slip off to the dreams of their imaginations. I will teach my daughter how to make dinner with full presence and patience. I will be a better mom for them and I will cherish the moments I have with them.

I would love to hear from other parents as well on how you juggle work and time with your family. Leave me a comment below.